I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids