You Might Also Like
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
just gave your address to some spiders
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*