[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭