I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Lmao the reply
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!