Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.