“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
You Might Also Like
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
this is 10/10 content no notes
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.