I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”