I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
And bowling should be called pinball
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”