“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You Might Also Like
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
🙅🏻
Sign at work today
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Seems legit
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Ovenable?