I’m dying louder than usual today.
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Watermelon Boss!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
S/o to @funTweeters .