I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.