“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
😂😂
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!