[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Lol #dogsoftwitter