[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Me: You put the Ho in holidays
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.