I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.