I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Hitlers gonna hitl
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Taliband
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.