@TequilaTears: I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin? Clerk: No, we're out Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye* Clerk: Sir– Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!
@abbycohenwl: [god on LSD creating Donald Trump What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?