I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Animal poetry
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”