I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕