Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Bringing home a sharpie
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery