I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.