@DowntownFunk_: I'm from the 80's. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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@UncleDuke1969: WIFE: Why are you wearing camo? ME: Crap. You can see me? WIFE: Put those cookies back.
@CourtneyBale: [dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.