“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When I said I liked it rough.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no