@steveolivas: I'm gaining weight because it's hard to carry around this much "awesome" in a standard-sized body.
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@SexySpainNights: Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
@Reverend_Scott: wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
@CatherineLMK: Shaking hands is so weird: "Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells."
@Mike__Lee: I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.