I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.