@steveolivas: I'm gaining weight because it's hard to carry around this much "awesome" in a standard-sized body.
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@CopBroughtPizza: cow: where does milk come from? me: *laughs* cow: *laughs* farmer: *laughs* milk man: *laughs* everyone: *laughs* cow: but no, seriously.
@robyn_vo: Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class
@IvankaTrump: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"