I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff