I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.