@meganamram: I'm gaining weight for my role as "'Before' picture"
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
@atthecubicle: Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It's pretty solid.
@HelmdawgE: My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, "how did the job interview go?" in front of everyone.