My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
#CatsOnTwitter
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.