“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
This line from Airplane.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster