I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.