I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You Might Also Like
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude