I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.