I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.