I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
#math
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN