if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.