@TheTweetOfGod: I’m giving up for Lent.
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@weinerdog4life: A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
@Naked_Superman: What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
@freypalm: Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*
@TheresNoGodzila: *gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee