I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.