ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sooo many times…..
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…