@joeljeffrey: I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
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@ObviousOstrich: If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
@osoplain: I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
@SteveSuckington: Her: Let's each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can't get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who's yours? Me: The babysitter
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."