@joeljeffrey: I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
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@liv_thatsme: If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I'm annoyed
@LoveNLunchmeat: Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
@TheAlexNevil: When a child gets a bad cold that’s when parents feel completely powerless. You just know that little Petri dish is gonna get you sick too.
@neiltyson: After several Steven Segal films in a row, you'd think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable