I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
hi why am I like this
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>