A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.