I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.