I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House