“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
You Might Also Like
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
That’s incredible! 👌
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
concern
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs