I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad