I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge