I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Weirdly Wednesday.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
some cats are just doing for fun!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off