I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
me irl
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Oh deer
Mornin. * use accordingly
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
#damn
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.