I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
You Might Also Like
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets