I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.