I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
gentlemen, hear me out
also my go-to takeaway order
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*