I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.