I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
hey, alexa
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice