I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
estão todos miauvindo?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.